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Journal Entry - mid Separation and Divorce 2018

Updated: Apr 20, 2023

Raw, real thoughts from my heart while experiencing the death of a dream. Divorce is not for the faint of heart.


If you only knew

The tears I’ve cried

For all of the lost moments

The babies I grew and birthed

Precious and small

Into this world

With me alone

And you distant and gone

Us trying to find our way

And you not caring well for us


Small babies make me cry

Every time

Constantly

Because I never had the family I dreamt of

Only the picture of it

It wasn’t gentle and kind

It wasn’t loving and warm

It wasn’t


How did I go through it 4 times

And get nothing from you

Except disdain


You were here

You were around

You cared for me in pieces

You held our babies

You smiled at them

You fed them


When the newness wore off

shiny things distracted you

You left

You left me

Alone

To care for them

And try to pick up all of the pieces


And it wrecked me

I didn’t even realize how badly

But here I am sobbing

For the life that I wanted

And the life that they deserve

And we cannot give it to them

I couldn’t even give it to them if I stayed with you

The main thing you and I had in common was

that both of us felt sorry for you

And cared for you

And thought about you

And both of us knew it was never good enough

You existed alongside me

But that isn’t love

And that shouldn’t be marriage

I could have probably withstood the existing

Had it not been mixed with toxins

The financial stress was mounting but the last thing my brain could even come around to

The emotional sadness was what truly made me hollow


The babies are what always cause me to sob

I can never go back and relive it

I don’t see how it can be healed

They are yours and mine and they will always belong to us

And yet we do not belong to each other

And it seems like nothing will ever be right in the world

Because of this





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