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Recovering from Divorce

Journal Entry from the Divorce - 2018





I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you

I’m sorry I do not love you

I wanted to save you and make you whole

I cannot

Even still, I’m sad that your life is falling

You seem broken, sad

Still unhappy

Still toxic

Still trying to manipulate and control


I cannot let you be near me

I cannot let you back into the fold

For so many reasons

For you and for me

I need to choose my own health

And hope that you choose your own

This is my burden

And yours is yours

You are in charge of your life, not me


You’re quite the scrambler

Of truth

Of emotion

I need space for clarity

I vowed my devotion to you but that was then

This is now

I’ve learned so much and I cannot unlearn

I cannot unsee

You’re dangerous

Financially

Spiritually

Emotionally

Physically

My devotion ended

Whether right wrong better worse

It has ended


Some say you got what you deserved

I don't say much of anything

I’m better for myself and kids

I was useless with you

I fought as long and hard as I could

Silver linings only go so far

A beautiful house built on sludge, sand, swamplands

We could not last

It was not viable

It was inevitable

Something was going to die: marriage or me

I chose marriage

It was an impossible position to put me into

And I’m sorry that I had to choose marriage

But I did

It was the lesser of the bad


And now my fighting for the good grows exponentially

quickly

at the speed of light

Because it is no longer toxic

I can breathe

I can choose

I can choose health and happiness

I can be present

I can be whole

I am okay alone

I have proven to myself how strong I am

I see my value and beauty

I’m coming back to myself


I left the shore to sail the ocean

I brave the wilderness

I make my own choices

I choose my destiny

I can be safe

I am safe

I can keep my children safe

My home is small, but it’s peaceful

I let go of those young choices

From our past

I choose the present

And I choose the future

Beauty out of ashes

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