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What if it doesn't work out?

Updated: May 28, 2023

Journal Entry from 2018 - after Divorce and Separation



What if it doesn’t work out

But what if it does?

My westfalia picture

Love

what I dream and desire

Dinner parties outside

SoCal

Let it be

Minimize it all

Beauty and design


I am not a collection of body parts

I am a soul and a dreamer

I’m made for love and truth

Adventure and freedom


I no longer live under him

I’m no longer crushed by his heel

or thrown around like his rag doll

I didn’t remain a victim

I fought out

I still will fight until the fight is over

And if it’s never over then I’ll fight every fucking day

I am free

And I belong to no one

I am sailing the ocean

Not tied to the shore.


I need to find myself

I left myself

I stayed in my body but I avoided my deep parts

I covered them in layers of titles that were empty

Wife was what I wanted.

The wife part didn't come with the warmth I needed.

Don’t want to be that now

Maybe someday

Maybe never

But definitely not now

I was made for more.


There is no secular or sacred

It’s all sacred

It all matters

We are in this beautiful messy world

Brutal

Beautiful

Brutiful


I want it

I accept it

I give and receive love freely

I close the door on the past

I let go of the shore

I sail

I feel the sun

I accept the waves crashing

The winds changing

My outlook shifting


I enjoy the process today

I’m grateful for my life

Thankful for my kids

Looking to mature

Truth

Love

Universe

Wisdom

Guidance


I am strong

I am beautiful

I am creative

I am musical

I am gifted

I have skills to offer

Humor to share

Thoughts to speak

A voice to be heard


I will accept one who enriches me

and my enriching of him,

or nothing.

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